A WARRIOR’S JOURNEY
February 20, 2018
It was sometime between the hellfire of adolescence and the demands of a success-driven life when I began to fade away. By my mid-thirties, though it seemed I had achieved all the material successes-the business, house, toys and exotic vacations- in reality my life was defined by stress and duress. Over the course of the next 10 years I became deeply depressed and spiraled into a painful cycle of self-numbing through substance abuse and intense physical exercise.
It wasn’t until I was pregnant with my second child that I realized how serious my situation was. And so when the doctor failed to find a beat from my fragile baby girl’s heart, only weeks before she was due I was, as the Jack Johnson song goes, “gone”.
To this day, I still vividly recall the moment after delivery when I experienced what I call “the unspooling”: an instant recollection of every significant event of my life. I came away utterly rewired, with an awareness I had not known before. As my heart and mind broke open, I could sense something infinite. It was as if the separation of myself and the world around me, dissolved. On one occasion, I even looked into the eyes of a hummingbird; I could sense that we shared the same consciousness.
There are those who might judge my experience as a mere mechanism of survival or a symptom of trauma. But to live through it, to have such a profound realization and state of consciousness, is to be permanently and irrevocably altered by it.
From this experience, I learned that there exists a consciousness beyond the suffering and the story. I realized that the petty things we regard as so important simply aren’t. I remember hearing a man talking, he was very much in his ego and the things he was talking about seemed meaningless. The story, the system, the program-I could see it all clearly-how we construct and conform. How we imprison ourselves in beliefs and ideologies that are built out of culture, ego, misunderstanding, wounding … and how we suffer. I was able to witness to it all.
What I felt in that moment was the wholeness of everything.
Even though I was chronically fatigued and emotionally drained, my experience provided me with the courage and strength I needed to navigate the harrowing road of divorce that lay ahead. Searching for meaning and praying for guidance, I found my way into a yoga class. Somehow amidst all the craziness I was experiencing in the world around me, here I felt safe. My deeply conscious and compassionate teacher welcomed everyone in an environment that was nurturing and free of judgment. It was the first time I had experienced that kind of belonging and acceptance in my life.
Fifteen years later I am evolving from victim to thrivor. I am living proof that self-love, self-care and the holistic practice of hatha yoga- posture, breathwork, meditation, mantra, nidra and wisdom- are a powerful catalyst for recovery.
Through dedicated practice, I believe that I have been able to heal what the body or mind alone could not.
Healing is an infinite process; if we can work with it consciously and compassionately, we recover. Even though there are times when I still cope with trauma, I have learned to meet it with loving awareness, to breathe softly through the pain of irreplaceable loss. I have learned to practice forgiveness and accept the regret of abandoning myself. I can remember the resilient little girl and meet the strong woman she has become. I practice to honor those who suffer and I know that I am not alone. Connecting with my breath, my body and the powerful presence that restores my soul and resurrects my spirit, I breathe in, I breathe out and begin again.